Picture this: You’ve caught feelings for someone, but it’s not just a random someone; it’s your friend. So what do you do? Do you go for it and attempt to make things romantic? Or do you spare yourself the potential heartbreak and bury those feelings for good?
On Nov. 2, TikTok user Gel (@p0ptropicaluvr) posted a video about “why becoming friends first is always the move” when it comes to dating. Her video has since garnered renewed interest in the familiar trope and elicited varying opinions.
“So I am a big ‘friends to lovers’ girl, like IRL,” she says. “I feel like every time I was interested in a guy and I never talked to them, I just had a crush on them. But someone was interested in me and they just started talking to me…it just never works out, and it feels like it’s just this superficial front that you put when you’re initially interested in someone.”
Developing a close friendship and then realizing you have feelings, Gel argues, is a more ideal scenario.
“When you’re friends first, it’s just smoother that way,” she says. “You’re not trying to impress them or anything, and then after that, you’re like, ‘Let me have your children.'”
On the other hand, Suzannah Weiss, a relationship coach and sexologist at BedBible, argues that becoming friends with someone should never be seen as a “move or a tactic” to form a romantic relationship with them.
“It’s OK to have feelings for them and hope it turns romantic, but you should not be friends with someone for that sole reason,” she told In The Know by Yahoo via email, before explaining why friendship often offers a strong foundation for a relationship.
“Physical attraction can fade over time, but if you already know that you’re emotionally compatible with someone and enjoy spending time with them, that’s a great sign that the relationship could last,” she added. “When we meet someone on a venue like a dating app where physical attraction is paramount, we might allow that to cloud our judgment and end up with someone we’re not compatible with on a mental or emotional level.”
In 2021, a study published in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science found that among a sample of adults and university students, “friends-first” initiation is a “prevalent and preferred method of romantic relationship initiation” that’s often “overlooked by relationship science.”
According to some research, 70% of romantic relationships begin as friendships. People who were in same-gender or queer relationships also reported higher rates (85%) of friends-first initiation than people who were in heterosexual relationships (68%).
It seems Gel isn’t the only fan of the “friends to lovers” path. Her video has since garnered nearly 536 comments, many of which are from TikTok users who also believe it’s “always the move.”
“This !! like i dont get how ppl just basically get with strangers,” @csmicmars wrote in response to Gel’s video.
“It’s soo awkward if u start talking to have that motive to date but if u start talking to someone just as friends then later it happens COS IT CUTERRR,” @georgieslll also replied.
George Welly (@george.welly), a Los Angeles-based TikTok creator, has since entered the conversation. Unlike Gel, he cautions against the whole concept, despite being a “big ‘friends to lovers’ guy” himself.
“As a person who just consistently liked all his friends, it just doesn’t end well. I feel like that’s the ideal…that’s the story that everyone wants to happen,” he says in a video posted on Nov. 3. “In practice, I do think attraction has sort of an expiration date, and once you cross that threshold you will just constantly be in the realm of being friend-zoned.”
While he says he’s managed to remain friends with the people he’s liked in the past, Welly does suggest you “save yourself the trouble” of potentially losing a friendship.
“Just start off with someone fresh, someone you don’t really know,” he adds. “Because then you run the risk of possibly losing them as a friend.”
Understanding this risk is essential, Weiss asserts, should you decide to take the leap and profess your feelings.
“Be prepared to take rejection gracefully because the more gracefully you take it, the easier it’ll be to stay friends. Just say something like ‘no worries, our friendship alone means a lot to me.’ Then follow up and make plans with your friend as usual so they feel secure that things indeed have not changed,” she suggested.
If, however, you learn that you are both interested in more than a friendship, Weiss urges moving slowly.
“The more slowly you go, the easier a time you’ll have breaking it off if it doesn’t work, and the higher the chances are of remaining friends,” she writes. “You also might want to wait until it’s official to tell your mutual friends so that there’s no awkwardness if it doesn’t work out.”
Welly’s comment section is also filled with creators who share his point of view — that while “friends to lovers” sounds good, it often isn’t practical.
“I just think we should get to know people before making things exclusive !!! friends to lovers is so hard to achieve realistically,” @rvsanne comments on his video.
“It’s a double-edged sword… as you say, the attraction tends to fade and without friendship it’s doomed as well,” @merebere adds.
According to Weiss, both Gel and Welly make valid arguments in favor of and against the “friends to lovers trope.” Ultimately, Weiss argued, the viability and necessity of being friends first before turning into lovers varies depending on the personalities involved.
“People who are demisexual — that is, they require an emotional connection to experience sexual attraction — may need to be friends with someone first,” she writes. “I’d say it depends on the situation, and the question to ask yourself is: Does this relationship have lasting potential? I wouldn’t advise risking a friendship just for a fling or hookup, as the friendship will mean more to you in the long-run, and sex tends to complicate relationships and create the potential for a falling out.”
Weiss does believe, however, that there is a way to date someone you weren’t friends with before and still establish a strong foundation over time.
“Another option is to meet someone new with the intention of potentially dating, but tell them right off the bat that you prefer to start off as friends, making it clear that you may or may not then want to progress to a romantic relationship,” she says. “This takes the pressure off the relationship and also allows you to really get to know someone before taking that next step with them. But again, make sure they’re genuinely OK with the possibility that you may not become more than friends.”
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