Those three little words can be huge, like when you say them to someone for the first time, conveying the sense of wonder, joy, and awe you feel as you fall head over heels. They’re also a shorthand (but no less heartfelt) way to tell people how much you care. And an abbreviated version serves as a casual sign-off to a chat with a partner, relative, or friend—lately, I’ve even heard work colleagues say it to each other: “Bye, love you!”
It seems we’re all loving each other more than ever—or at least saying we do. (And then there’s the related ”I appreciate you,” which has bubbled up as another all-purpose conversation closer—the Verizon customer service agent said it to me just the other day.)
Does throwing these important words around make them less important? Should we save them for when they really matter? I put this question to renowned linguist Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand and 12 other books, and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University. “That’s how language works,” she said. “Any phrase that gets wide currency, it’s going to be used in different ways, and people will suspect it’s being overused.”
But she’s not worried about love being devalued, even if your pal in the next cubicle professes hers for you as she heads out the door. “I actually like it,” says Tannen, adding that we need handy phrases to open and close conversations. “The fact that something with such a positive meaning is adapted that way, I think that’s a good thing.”
To give your words more weight, you might modify them: “I really love you,” or “I love you so much.” But if you want to express your feelings in a way that feels less routine and a lot more personal and meaningful, here are tips from three pros.
The couples therapist
“Creating a culture of appreciation in a relationship is crucial,” says Satira Streeter Corbitt, a licensed clinical psychologist, certified Gottman Therapist, and founder of Ascensions Psychological Services in Washington, D.C. “And you can’t do that by just saying, ‘I love you.’ You need to let the person know exactly what they are doing that makes you feel connected to them.”
She even has a formula for it. A formula may not sound romantic, but this is an incredibly effective way to communicate and bring you closer. Pretty romantic, right? Here’s how it works:
Start by thinking of an adjective that describes a quality you admire in your partner or another person you’re close to. Then consider how it makes you feel. Finish up with an example of that behavior. Corbitt brings it to life this way: If you’re talking to your husband, you might say, “You are so thoughtful, and your kind gestures make me feel really supported by you. Like yesterday when you made my lunch to take to work because you knew I would be too busy in the morning to do it myself; I really appreciated that.”
Or for a friend: “You are so kind and insightful. It makes me feel I can come to you and trust you with anything. Like last weekend, when I wasn’t sure how to handle that situation at work, you gave me such solid advice that really helped.”
Adjective + feeling + example.
This formula does both of you good, creating a positive cycle. “There are so many times that the people we love do things and our heart grows for them,” says Corbitt. “But we don’t really take time to figure out why.” Take that time. Figure it out and share it. The more you tell people about the specific characteristics and actions you appreciate, the more they’ll exhibit them, and the more you’re going to love them.
The romance novelist
Claire Kann, author of The Romantic Agenda and Looking for Love in All the Haunted Places (out next May), is specific when it comes to language, in her books and in her life. “If you're going to tell someone, ‘I appreciate you,’ say why you appreciate them,” she says. “‘I appreciate you for bringing me lunch. That made my whole day.’ Acknowledge what they've done for you. That way, the person knows that this isn’t just the casual thing you say all the time.”
Knowing your audience, as it were, is also important. What makes one person feel warm inside might not do it for another. “We’re all different, and we need different things,” says Kann. “Just paying attention to the person is the first step to creating or to crafting the kinds of compliments and affection that they would like to receive.”
Kann creates this dynamic when developing characters. In her forthcoming novel, the protagonist, Lucky, feels like no one sees her. So when her love interest says these three little words—not the usual ones, but “I see you”—it’s powerful. IRL, that might translate to reassuring someone who is anxious, praising the work of someone insecure about their abilities, or telling someone who struggles with maintaining relationships what a wonderful friend they are.
The songwriter
“Love is a human experience,” says Rodney Alejandro, a musician, songwriter, and the chair of the songwriting department at Boston’s Berklee College of Music. (He has also performed with will.i.am, Stevie Wonder, Eric Clapton, Paulina Rubio, and CeeLo Green.) “That emotion, most people are going to have some relationship with it. So to stand out, find aspects of love that can be expressed in a way that’s unique.”
One simple way to get at that? Point out the subtle things you notice when you love someone, the “idiosyncrasies or habits that seem unimportant, but when they’re not there, you miss them like crazy,” he says. The way you wear your hat, the way you sip your tea.…
Another technique to steal: Songwriters often try to find a distinctive, meaningful aspect of a relationship and build an entire song around it. One example Alejandro cites is Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time”: “It expresses loving somebody by saying, ‘I’m going to be here no matter what happens,’” he says. Don’t remember the lyrics? “If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me/Time after time/If you fall, I will catch you/Time after time…”
Another example: A song by indie artist Bruno Major called “Nothing.” “It’s brilliant because it just talks about the mundane routine of life, of living with somebody,” Alejandro says. “Track suits and red wine/Movies for two/We'll take off our phones/And we'll turn off our shoes…there's nothing/Like doing nothing/With you.”
Are you feeling it? How can you not be?
You don’t have to be a musician to work this magic. You just have to think about what makes your relationship special and communicate it the best way you can—with just one rule: Say “I love you” without actually saying it.
